Before I get into this cautionary tale for the fellas , I’d like to say one thing: I get completely that its not easy out there for a man right now, in fact its very anti man in every facet of life, starting from the home to the current batch of nonsense spewing out of tinseltown, , many see no other option but to go their own way, or mgtow as they call it.
If that’s your choice that’s fine, to me its the easy way out and only means that you’ll be the last course. Now more than ever is it more critical not to give up on love or the possibility that good women exist ( and while I am separated and red pilled , I never lost that belief , even in lieu of my deteriorating marriage), it may be a matter of finding them, and how you go about it.
Hell, I’m not here for that today. I’m here to tell you how not to approach it , or at least in totality, and that’s the online dating app approach. Unless you want to be entertained or hook up with women who will raise either a lot of flags or drop you the second a more appealing profile shows up on her site with a wink, there are options.
The first mistake I made was jumping right into the dating scene the second my ex and I started the process of separation. I was lonely I was frustrated and I wanted to prove a point, that I could do this enjoy myself and not get attached. We were still living I the same house for fucks sake and I honestly jumped in for all the wrong reasons. While we agreed no rendezvous at the house for the sake of our kids , we lived separate lives for months ( I moved into my basement, like a loser cause I didn’t know any better)until I moved out and by then I was so tired of dating I took a break. I got burned out by the weirdness and the addictive quality of going on these sites , it felt like a game show and every date ( save a few nice ones) was more like a job interview. It was far more important to legally separate and move out .
So for about a six to eight month span, I played the whole ok cupid/tinder/match/ you name it free phone app to see if I could get laid, and maybe meet someone proving it ( the failure in my marriage) wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t even begin to understand the emotions I refused to process, I didn’t give myself time. This confession is tough on my part and I hadn’t dated anyone for a good 13 years at this point, I was a different person than my 25 year old self and could in no way forsee how much things could change so vastly over that time.
I didn’t know what ghosting was, or catfishing or any of that crap. I didn’t even know what a furry was either, and I hope never to meet one at that. And to be fair , my ex had some horror stories with some very bad dates with I could only guess as soy boys and some with even deeper rooted mommy issues ( don’t even ask I don’t even want to know the whole thing). But I sure found out about catfishing, among other things
I never had issues with women before I got married, I kinda knew going in I was seriously guarded though and trust was gonna be a problem for me but I worked it out and turned up the old charm I thought I lost, talking to two or three at a time, once I understood the frequency of ghosting, where you get dropped or you drop without courtesy or notice or reason( I’m guilty of it too), always landing at least two dates a week. That’s another problem dating like that got costly fast.
I didn’t know what catfishing was until it happened to me though which occurred right after thanksgiving and before Christmas I think. I saw a profile of a nice looking young woman 5’7″(same as me, you can still have game if you have confidence fellow short guys)non smoker, she posted on her plenty of fish profile and ‘curvy’. She was young looking in her early thirties with one kid. I know fellas try to avoid the single mothers and I don’t blame the young ones, I did too. When you reach my point in life and are divorced and also have shared custody of kids, you live with it and realize the pickings are slim. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have flags.
Everything else seemed ok with this woman , except the pictures seemed slightly blurry and at one particular party, and another close up of the face , attractive but slightly fuller. That should’ve been my flag but it was difficult to tell. She sent me a hello or wink or whatever and I acknowledged the message and began talking . she seemed nice and after a few texts via the site we exchanged numbers and texted via phones.
It seemed nice casual laid back, and a little flirty. We had our first conversation over the phone and made plans for the end of week to meet up, but at this point the first flag was raised. Now I didn’t care so much that she lived at home I get that ( she was very understanding of my situation too which was a plus. that’s not easy to accept) but the way she spoke of her parents getting on her case and being controlling sort of bugged me.
One it sounded like a teenager ranting about her parents a little and two, she was 34. Why were her parents on her case? Maybe I was reading into it. After that the texts became more frequent so did the calls. I didn’t even meet this chick and the neediness was starting to seep through. Her job, her parents, no babysitter in little bits,and she started calling me babe, which just bugs me personally because again,I haven’t met her yet. I took note and made sure this date would be a standard starbucks meet and greet sort of thing , I had been on dozens of those. They’re like the job interview types. When She mentioned she has never been as heavy as she is now , that was a major flag and I actually had to go and look at the profile to make certain. Again one close up pic seemed less consistent than the others, I shrugged it off at her insecurity.
Now the day of the date I damn near called it off. The texting and calls wouldn’t stop all day and I got the impression her true neurosis was revealing itself to me, shed cancel because she had no sitter, then in cancel because she had one, kept changing the time, really nonsense stuff for a simple coffee meet up. Against my better judgment ( and a trying day at work, I needed a little cup to decompress) I still agreed to meet her, and explained that I am working in Astoria and it would take some time to get over to farmingdale which was near both of our homes.
So my day ended I hit the road, and sat through all the fun traffic listening to music. At this point I made up my mind I would go but I doubted there would not be two dates unless she was drop dead gorgeous ( and she was attractive in the photos) and I was gonna get lucky. Then the phone rings while I’m driving, I have the hands free, and its her. Yelling too.
“Where was I?” ” ive been texting you all afternoon!” ” did you get my….I told her as gently as I could, ” Ive been sitting in traffic for the last two hours and I don’t text when I drive, I didn’t hear the tone anyway”. I couldn’t figure out the problem being we agreed t meet at 7 and it was only quarter to 5. ” I can meet now, I have someone to watch my kid” Shit I thought that was settled, I usually like to go home and shower and be nice before a date but she put me off so bad with her tone I just said fuck it. I suppose I could have called it off and ghosted her, but part of me felt sorry for her. Besides , my mind was made up. No matter how hot she was, there would be no second date, it only meant trouble.
I shoot over there , the starbucks by the movie theatre in farmingdale, park shoot her a text that I’m here, and go figure after all that rushing me , she’s late. I laugh at this pathetic waste of time, but I a curious. This was more a social experiment now.
So its dark out and she texts me shes here. To be fair she was only about fifteen minutes late, I get out of my car and look towards the building to see where she is. All I see though is a very tall heavy woman smoking outside the starbucks. The woman and I make eye contact, and once again, I smile at my fate. The woman starts waving towards me.
When I say she not only did not closely resemble the woman in the pictures on the site( apparently taken when she was ten years younger, I discovered) She was fundamentally dishonest about her everything. She wasn’t curvy she was very very large easily 275. She wasn’t 5’7″ she was closer to 5’10” maybe near 6′. I maybe could’ve been open( who am I kidding , I wanted my coffee and I wanted out!) but the smoking was the biggest turn off because it was a deal breaker with me.
I went to shaker her hand and she actually tried to pull me in for a kiss on the lips. I made sure that didn’t happen with some Neo like slo mo maneuvering, she asked if I minded her smoking, as she noted I preferred non smokers in my profile. ” Too late now” was my answer and She didn’t see the curtness of it.
We sat down talked about our lives over coffee how our situations came to be, and all of a sudden it turned into a job interview.” So tell me all about you I wanna know who you are” I kind of thought I was doing that, but I tried to brig up things about myself I don’t normally do.
She started blatantly rubbing my calf with her foot and pulled away. She talked about herself and her situation and while I did feel sorry she got duped, too many things added up wrong with her and the fact she was not the person in that profile or in the pictures, and Ive got news , that shit counts. First impressions are first impressions and she bombed.
Forty minutes of coffee and conversations and she had to pick up her kid. I understood had no issue , I was actually gonna grab another coffee; I had a long day and still needed to unwind. She said she wanted to do this again and I was non committal and she tried the kiss move again , I gave her one on her cheek and she went on her way. Or so I thought.
I was reading my texts, hadn’t gotten up for coffee number two yet. About ten minutes pass, and as I’m about to rise up I look up and there she is standing over me looking at me. It was creepy as fuck, as if I was doing something wrong. I asked whats wrong and its as if she snapped out of a trance.
She tells me she cant find her phone and she came back to see if she left it here. I look around quick and I say,I’ll call it, if its here we will hear the ringtone. Embarrassed , before I could even call, she pulls it out of her purse and goes” oh it was here the whole time. ” Tries the kiss again. she gets a handshake instead.
I lose my appetite for my coffee I wait for her to leave , this time I watch her get in her car and leave the lot. Then I leave start my car, and my friend calls, asking how it went. While I explain the evenings creepiness , she texts me AGAIN.
” Had a great time tonight, hope to see you again.” with some sort of kissing emoji. I don’t reply right away because I was in the middle of my conversation. Out of the blue the next text comes…” I guess you didn’t” is what she writes.
Now I had enough. I get off the phone wth my friend explaining the texts I just got and respond:
“Look you seem like a nice girl and I hope you meet someone, but I’m not that guy. I just didn’t feel any connection. Good luck on your search.” Gentle but firm and to the point.
Probably could’ve gone worse, but I never heard from her again. I went out with a lot of nice girls and talked to a lot of weird ones after that. All sorts of things I can talk about whether it was flakiness, fooling around sexting, ghosting, never anything solid. I genuinely liked the last girl I dated but it fizzled out in March. I realized my situation had not improved and I had to make changes in my life before I even considered dating .
And if I ever went back on these stupid sites, it would have to be more for options ( though I am moreso convinced that there aren’t any there). Right now I have moved out have a little place see my kids every other weekend and rotating holidays, paying down many long overdue bills, trying to stay fit( boxing club up the block from me, gonna look at that) and make the improvements I need to. When I’m ready to date, I’ll know it. I’m not gonna go mgtow or anything right now its about reclaiming myself as a man, assuring my kids their father is in their lives and improving myself for myself too. No rush to go out and date just because its expected, it’ll be more worth it when I’m at my best anyway.
Hope you enjoyed this little yarn and be patient with yourselves fellas